13Mar: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine,
which I guess is why several of us kids died of tuberculosis.
14Mar: I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I was once walking through the forest alone.
A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
Steven Wright
15Mar: There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.
16Mar: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
Cats have claws at the end of their paws.
A comma has a pause at the end of its clause.
17Mar: What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
18Mar: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.
19Mar: Did you see the elephant hiding underneath the bridge? (No)
Yeah... he was hiding.
20Mar: Two Catholic novices were very committed to their rituals, and had been enriched in their faithfulness
to long periods of prayer. Then, each discovered that they enjoyed smoking cigarettes, and wondered whether
it was acceptable to combine their habits of smoking and prayer. They decided to ask the Head Priest.
The curious novice returned from asking the priest, and said disappointedly "His answer was NO".
So the clever novice decided to go and ask the Head Priest whether their smoking was congruent with
their prayer life. He returned and excitedly said "Yes, he said it was OK!".
So the clever novice asked the curious one, "What did you ask the Head Priest?"
I asked him "Is it OK to smoke while we pray?", "What did you ask him?".
The clever novice replied, "I asked him if is OK to pray while we smoke".
21Mar: "She was the rancher's daughter, but all the horse manure"
"Her daddy was a trucker, but she delivered the goods"
"Her nightgown had nine buttons but she could only fascinate..."
"She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still"
22Mar: A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
23Mar:
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06Apr: via PHC
What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What's the worst thing about living on O street?
You have to walk a block to "P".
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To-the-dump, to-the-dump, to-the-dump-dump-dump
How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up behind a deer and they build a barn around it.
07Apr:
An old cowboy, dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. While he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. "Are you a real cowboy?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences, and the lot, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "Well, I've
never been on a ranch before so I'm definitely not a cowboy.
Actually, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat,
shower, and watch TV, I always seem to be thinking of women."
The confused but intrigued cowboy ordered another drink.
Some time later, a couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, to be honest," he said, "I always thought I was, but I just
realized that I'm actually a lesbian."
08Apr:
09Apr:
So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and says "What's the matter with me?"
The psychiatrist says "You're not eating properly".
Class... it's an interesting linguistic fact that in English a double negative forms a positive,
and in some languages such as Russian a double negative is still a negative,
however, there is no language in which a double positve can form a negative.
Yeah... right.
These two vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline
and they got on board carrying six dead raccoons.
The flight attendant said "Sorry... there's a limit of two carrion per passenger".
10Apr: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
11Apr:
12Apr:
Do you have stress in your life? Try this one.
The photo attached/below has two identical dolphins in it.
It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that
in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person
under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
If there are many differences found between both dolphins,
it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences
you may want to take a vacation.
14Apr:
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21Apr:
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one five one five one five
Q: How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?
22Apr:
What is another word for synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
A doctor told me to take 3 pills each day for two days, then skip a day.
I told him I was exhausted by all of that skipping.
At a retirement community a young woman jumped out of a cake
and said to the old man "I can give you super sex!".
He said "I'll take the soup"
23Apr:
24Apr:
Woman: Hey Doc... every time I sneeze I have an orgasm
Doctor: Are you taking anything for it?
Woman: Yes, black pepper
Two indians are watching smoke signals in the distance.
One says to the other "If I see one more misspelled word I'm calling the fire department!"
25Apr:
Two Baptist ministers are talking about the immorality in the country these days
and one says to the other "I didn't sleep with my wife before she was married, how about you?".
The other said "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"
Man to woman: I couldn't help but notice the book you're reading
Woman: Oh yes, it's about finding sexual satisfaction. It says that American Indian and Polish
men are the best lovers. By the way, my name is Jill, what's yours?
Man: Flying Cloud Kowalski, nice to meet you!
26Apr:
27Apr:
This guy staggers out of a bar and into the cathedral, then into the confessional.
He sits down and hears "May I help you my son".
He says "I don't know, you got any toilet paper on your side?"
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
28Apr:
29Apr:
30Apr:
01May:
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
Because when they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're gonna feel all day.
W.C Fields
(Also: I only drink alone, or with others)
02May:
The foreman of a sawmill was looking over a long line of prospective
new lumberjacks. All of the men were tall, strong and tough.
Except for one particularly scrawny fellow. The foreman asked this fellow,
"You don't look like the lumberjack type, where have you worked before ?"
"Well", said the scrawny fellow, "I did a lot of work in the Sahara Forest".
The foreman questioned, "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert !?"
The man replied, "NOW !!".
03May:
A fella from Texas was bragging to a fella from Colorado.
He said "When I get up in the morning I can get in my truck and
drive all day south... and not reach the end of my property."
"The next day I can get up and drive all day west... and not get to the end of my property".
"The next day I can get up and drive all day north... and not get to the end of my property".
"And the next day I can get up and drive all day east... and not get to the end of my property".
The fella from Colorado replied "I had a truck like that once"
04May:
05May:
06May:
I had an uncle who was so tone deaf that he only knew two songs.
One of them was "Yankee Doodle", and the other one... wasn't.
07May:
Went to the track the other day.
I bet on a horse that was so good it took ten other horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman (?)
08May:
Two fellas are on board a commercial airliner with 4 jet engines.
Shortly after takeoff they look out the window and see one of the engines on fire.
Over the PA the captain says "It looks like we lost one of our engines, but don't worry...
this plane can fly on just 3 engines, however we will be about 30 minutes late to our destination."
A little while later the fellas see another engine on fire.
Over the PA the captain says "It looks like we lost another one of our engines, but don't worry...
this plane can fly on just 2 engines, however we will be about an hour late to our destination."
A little while later the fellas see another engine on fire.
Over the PA the captain says "It looks like we lost another one of our engines, but don't worry...
this plane can fly on just 1 engine, however we will be about two hours late to our destination."
One fella turns to the other and says:
"Geez, if that other engine goes out we'll be up here *forever*!"
09May:
A doctor is at a party and getting along well with a woman.
He wants to write down her number and so he reaches into his jacket pocket for his pen.
Instead, he pulls out his rectal thermometer.
Exasperted, he screams "Some asshole has my pen!"
10May:
11May:
12May:
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
This grasshopper went into a bar, the bartender says "We have a drink named after you".
The grasshopper says "That's funny, why would anyone name a drink Bob?"
13May:
I brewed my first batch of beer, then I entered it in a home brewing contest.
I got back a note that said "Dear sir, your horse has diabetes."
This man entered a pun contest and he sent in ten different entries
hoping that one would win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did...
14May:
15May:
Who yelled "Coming Are the British, Coming Are the British"?
Paul Reverse
You know how Unitarians don't recognize the trinity...
Is that the same as how Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store?
16May:
How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't use the slide and he can't swing.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible but the reception was great!
17May:
18May:
So a bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer.
...
And a packet of peanuts".
The bartender says "Why the big pause?"
This horse walks into a bar; bartender says "Why the long face?"
Scientists have discovered a food that lowers the male sex drive... wedding cake.
19May:
A fella was driving down a country road and came upon a farmer driving a big box truck.
The farmer slowed to a stop, got out and banged on the side of the truck, then resumed his drive.
About a mile later... same thing... the farmer stopped, got out and banged on the side of his truck.
This fella is perplexed and the next time the farmer stopped he got out and asked the farmer
"What the heck are you doing... banging on the side of your truck every mile?"
The farmer responded "Well, you see, I have a ton of chickens inside, and only a half-ton truck,
so at any given point in time I need to keep half of them flying."
20May:
21May:
How can you tell the difference between one banjo tune and another?
They all have different names.
How many beer brewers does it take to change a lite bulb?
The same number as a regular bulb.
22May: Seamus
23May:
24May:
This fella Larry had a very peculiar problem. When he would fart... his farts made the sound 'honda'.
After visiting several doctors, to no avail, a friend suggested that he visit a Chinese dentist.
Larry's farts continued to make the sound 'honda', he thought "what the heck", so he went.
The dentist found an absess tooth, he removed it, and, miraculously, Larry's problem was solved.
So Larry had to ask the dentist "How did you know what to do?"
The dentist replied "We Chinese have a saying: absess makes fart go 'honda'"
25May:
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
Buck-an-ear
If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the bigger of the 3?
The baby... because he's a little bigger.
26May:
Did you hear that the Stop N' Shop merged with the A&P?
Now it's called the Stop N' Pee.
Why can't a girl ask her brother for help?
Because you can't be a brother and assist-her, too.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phonebook?
Because they all have phones.
27May: Alternate Definitions
Arbitrator : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable : What a bullfighter tries to do
Bernadette : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize : What a crook sees with
Control : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
28May:
29May:
Men are always wrong. Married men find out sooner.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
30May:
Remove six letters from the following sequence to reveal a common word:
S B A I N X L A E T N T E A R S
It's easier than you might think!
31May: English language difficulties:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
01Jun: More...
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer worker's seam.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
02Jun: More...
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out piles of books.
Added by my friend Tim Duesing:
Yes, why would anyone construct such constructs?
Please excuse me while I think of an excuse.
03Jun: "How I Met My Wife" by Jack Winter
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant,
despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing
alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total
array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about
it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I
could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off
my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty
to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was
evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as
flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero
were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could
easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason,
she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.
... to be continued
04Jun:
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it
nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and
forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.
So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made
my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare
a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks,
I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the
notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more
choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I
had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To
my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been
together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
05Jun:
A monk in his travels once found a precious stone and kept it. One day he met a traveler, and when the monk opened
his bag to share his provisions with him, the traveler saw the jewel and asked the monk to give it to him.
The monk did so readily. The traveler departed overjoyed with the unexpected gift of the precious stone that was
enough to give him wealth and security for the rest of his life. However, a few days later he came back in
search of the monk, found him, gave him back the stone, and entreated him, "Now give me something much more
precious than this stone, valuable as it is. Give me that which enabled you to give it to me."
-- Anthony DeMello
06Jun: bumper stickers DUPLICATES
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Hard work has future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
07Jun: more bumper stickers
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born free... Taxed to death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Rehab is for quitters.
08Jun:
09Jun:
10Jun: PWS
Q: What do you call leftover Chinese food?
A: Egg Foo Old
11Jun:
12Jun:
13Jun:
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has
clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
A limerick by Charlie, age 15:
There was a soup chef; a real kook
Who made all his customers puke
The Ukrainian man
Stirred the soup with his hand
And was best known as Gruel Hand Uke.
14Jun: more bumper stickers
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
15Jun:
It was Christmas time in an impoverished South American island community. An American woman who had been
teaching English to the young children of the island was saying her good-byes after a year of struggles and
joys with her students. Some of the children brought gifts for her, whatever they could make or afford.
Upon opening one of the boxes she beheld a rare and beautiful treasure - a seashell which could only be
found at a remote beach fifteen rocky miles from the school. Staring down at it in wonder she said
"I love my shell, but how were you able to get it for me? That beach is halfway around the island!"
The young child took her hand and replied in broken English, "Long walk ... part of gift.”
17Jun:
This fella had been going with the same woman for years when they finally decided to tie the knot.
One evening, shortly after their honeymoon, she popped into the garage when he was cleaning his golf clubs.
After watching him work for a few minutes, she said, "Honey, I/ve been thinking that now that we are married,
maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out there on the golf course.
And maybe you should lose all those rods and reels and stop wasting time with that fishing thing.
And maybe you should get rid of that silly vintage Harley Davidson so you could spend more time with me!"
Well, he got a horrified look on his face.
She exclaimed, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He answered, "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she yelled. "You never told me you were married before!"
He looked her straight in the eye, "I wasn't."
18Jun: Ethel and Margaret were friends at the Golden Age retirement community and one day
decided to take the old car for a spin. Ethel was driving and drove right through a stop sign.
Margaret was perturbed and yelled "Hey Ethel, you blew right through that stop sign back there!".
Ethel responded "Am I driving?"
19Jun:
21Jun:
22Jun: Paraprodoskians - from Greek, "contrary to expectation"
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool,
so I gave him a glass of water.
I'm great at multi-tasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
23Jun: I was wanting to hang a map of the world in my house. I intended to put pins into all the locations that
I've visited. But I have a slight dilemma. First, I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners
of the world so the map won't fall down.
24Jan: After a particularly hard landing, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was a really rough landing and I know what all of you are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
26Jun:
27Jun:
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer said, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
28Jun: by Jack Handey
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
29Jun: by Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would
you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
01Jul:
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He Held his enemies close.
04Jul:
There's all this talk about parallel universes... what about the perpendicular ones???
06Jul: From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaii, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,Peter...
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
13Jul:
One-armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out.
25Jul:
Some people have a photographic memory.
I have a phonographic memory.
Wow, flutter, clicks & pops.
27Jul:
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